I thought that was a really great post. I have sometimes tried to think all this through but always failed. This description is probably the best explanation for love I've read. Thanks for that.
Great article, seems like it has the potential to explain why arranged marriages work better than a lot of Westerners expect. Love develops naturally because it’s clearly your partner.
I think you are really on to something here, but there remains the question of why people would spend so much time together that they develop the history and bond. That seems to point back to the qualities source of love: you spend time with people because you like their qualities, develop the relationship and love over time. That also explains somewhat why you might love some people after a shorter period while others you might have a relationship lasting years (say at work or neighbors) and develop no love for them.
So in a sense the question becomes "What triggers the biological sense of love in some cases but not others?" Babies are a pretty hard wired switch, no doubt. Yet in my own case, I grew up with the same 80 or so kids for 13 years in school, and never developed much affection for any of them despite knowing them far longer than I have known my wife or kids.
Agreed, and we achieve intimacy by spending time with each other, particularly emotionally excited times, and we spend time together for specific reasons. Shared interests (whether work, hobbies or reproductive interests), appealing personalities we find pleasant to be around, etc. Just time spend doesn’t seem like enough, as spending time with someone is as likely to make you hate them as love them.
It also raises the question of Platonic love, as in soldiers developing love for their squad mates that isn’t romantic. That probably works along similar lines.
The human desire for love (at least for non-psychopaths) is also fascinating and intrinsically linked to our evolutionary past.
My children (ages 9 and 7) occasionally ask if I will always love them, and I can feel myself desiring the same thing from my partner of over 18 years.
I like the slogan, 'I'll always love you, but I can't promise I'll always 'like' you.'
If I found out one of my children was a Bundy in 20 years' time, I'm not sure I'd have the choice to stop loving them, but I wouldn't like who they were or had become.
Do we have the choice to stop loving? I'm not sure nature allows us that much access to our code...
You might not stop loving your child, but you’d be more likely to stop loving your partner if she turned out to be a psychopath. You wouldn’t just decide, “I don’t love you now”, the way you can decide to eat a sandwich now. However, if you spend time thinking about all the bad aspects of the psychopath partner, and you form a close attachment to another partner, and repeatedly remind yourself of how the new partner is better, etc., then I think you’ll stop loving your partner.
(Of course, this is a weird counterfactual, since I assume your partner could not really turn out to be a psychopath.)
I don't think it takes your partner turning into a fully fledged psychopath. People definitely do things that are corrosive to relationships, and over time turn what was once love into loathing. It takes a while, not just an on/off decision, but it absolutely happens.
I suspect it happens due to the intersection of personalities and environment as well. One can imagine one's spouse having foibles such as irresponsible spending habits that are no big deal if say you are both fully employed, but become a serious issue if there are financial problems. After a prolonged time their inability to "grow up" and your inability to "stop looking down on them" drives the relationship apart.
This seems to support the qualities theory as being fundamental to the long term relationship working.
Moms are hardwired to love their babies because it's their own - but what about those who adopt someone? Is an adopted child not loved as much as the biological child? Is their bond weaker?
I think shyness and status are not immutable, so they shouldn't be used to suggest someone can go through life without love. Physical unattractiveness is the big blocker, but even then, I think the majority of cases of physical unattractiveness boil down to being overweight, which is again, mutable. I think it is possible to overcome being a short guy too, but you're gonna need outstanding charisma.
There's a woman at my gym, she has an absolutely rocking body, but her face is ugly. I personally wouldn't talk to her because I think the face is most important to me, but I wonder what her dating life is like. It's conceivable to me that there are guys who weight the body heavily enough that they would be happy to partner up with her, and attractiveness is also partially subjective, so there might be guys who don't find her face that ugly.
I thought that was a really great post. I have sometimes tried to think all this through but always failed. This description is probably the best explanation for love I've read. Thanks for that.
Great article, seems like it has the potential to explain why arranged marriages work better than a lot of Westerners expect. Love develops naturally because it’s clearly your partner.
I think you are really on to something here, but there remains the question of why people would spend so much time together that they develop the history and bond. That seems to point back to the qualities source of love: you spend time with people because you like their qualities, develop the relationship and love over time. That also explains somewhat why you might love some people after a shorter period while others you might have a relationship lasting years (say at work or neighbors) and develop no love for them.
So in a sense the question becomes "What triggers the biological sense of love in some cases but not others?" Babies are a pretty hard wired switch, no doubt. Yet in my own case, I grew up with the same 80 or so kids for 13 years in school, and never developed much affection for any of them despite knowing them far longer than I have known my wife or kids.
Good comment. It’s probably more to do with a history of intimacy (romantic or otherwise) rather than history simpliciter.
Agreed, and we achieve intimacy by spending time with each other, particularly emotionally excited times, and we spend time together for specific reasons. Shared interests (whether work, hobbies or reproductive interests), appealing personalities we find pleasant to be around, etc. Just time spend doesn’t seem like enough, as spending time with someone is as likely to make you hate them as love them.
It also raises the question of Platonic love, as in soldiers developing love for their squad mates that isn’t romantic. That probably works along similar lines.
The human desire for love (at least for non-psychopaths) is also fascinating and intrinsically linked to our evolutionary past.
My children (ages 9 and 7) occasionally ask if I will always love them, and I can feel myself desiring the same thing from my partner of over 18 years.
I like the slogan, 'I'll always love you, but I can't promise I'll always 'like' you.'
If I found out one of my children was a Bundy in 20 years' time, I'm not sure I'd have the choice to stop loving them, but I wouldn't like who they were or had become.
Do we have the choice to stop loving? I'm not sure nature allows us that much access to our code...
You might not stop loving your child, but you’d be more likely to stop loving your partner if she turned out to be a psychopath. You wouldn’t just decide, “I don’t love you now”, the way you can decide to eat a sandwich now. However, if you spend time thinking about all the bad aspects of the psychopath partner, and you form a close attachment to another partner, and repeatedly remind yourself of how the new partner is better, etc., then I think you’ll stop loving your partner.
(Of course, this is a weird counterfactual, since I assume your partner could not really turn out to be a psychopath.)
I don't think it takes your partner turning into a fully fledged psychopath. People definitely do things that are corrosive to relationships, and over time turn what was once love into loathing. It takes a while, not just an on/off decision, but it absolutely happens.
I suspect it happens due to the intersection of personalities and environment as well. One can imagine one's spouse having foibles such as irresponsible spending habits that are no big deal if say you are both fully employed, but become a serious issue if there are financial problems. After a prolonged time their inability to "grow up" and your inability to "stop looking down on them" drives the relationship apart.
This seems to support the qualities theory as being fundamental to the long term relationship working.
You didn't mention lust. I would be interested in your take on distinguishing love from lust.
Moms are hardwired to love their babies because it's their own - but what about those who adopt someone? Is an adopted child not loved as much as the biological child? Is their bond weaker?
I think shyness and status are not immutable, so they shouldn't be used to suggest someone can go through life without love. Physical unattractiveness is the big blocker, but even then, I think the majority of cases of physical unattractiveness boil down to being overweight, which is again, mutable. I think it is possible to overcome being a short guy too, but you're gonna need outstanding charisma.
There's a woman at my gym, she has an absolutely rocking body, but her face is ugly. I personally wouldn't talk to her because I think the face is most important to me, but I wonder what her dating life is like. It's conceivable to me that there are guys who weight the body heavily enough that they would be happy to partner up with her, and attractiveness is also partially subjective, so there might be guys who don't find her face that ugly.
Mate just read the SEP article
Ehh, the fact that animals snuggle does suffice to show that they love each other. I think that claim could have used more defending.
I just recently put down some of own reflections on love. Some may find it worth comparing.
https://open.substack.com/pub/twohandsphilosophy/p/love-of-the-universal-as-particular